By John Ellwood

January 3, 2026

WHATEVER the outcome of the everlasting ‘peace’ talks surrounding the Ukrainian conflict, the WEF, the European Union and the UK are determined to engage in a prolonged confrontation with Russia. The Prime Minister, along with other party leaders, is keen to encourage young white men to travel to Eastern Europe and sacrifice themselves at the behest of the globalist parasites that control them.

Prior to the introduction of conscription, the following units will be formed in an attempt to appeal to a reluctant public.

Neville’s Rifles

The Neville’s Rifles will be formed in a doomed effort to encourage ‘footie’ fans to sign up to be slaughtered. It is to be hoped that the man himself does not lead shooting practice, having scored only five goals in 400 league appearances.

REME (Red Ed Miliband’s Eco-Loons)

Electrically powered tanks, shells that explode in an environmentally friendly way, a cavalry division riding bicycles: these are just some of the innovative ways Mad Ed will encourage Green voters to enlist. He will also ensure that all rations are vegan and organic. LibDem recruits will be allowed to wear sandals in the trenches and ‘trans’ people will be allowed makeup.

KAR (Kemi’s Africa Rifles)

In what is likely to be a forlorn attempt to encourage our new arrivals from East Africa to become cannon fodder for the ‘Men with the Golden Toilets’ and their corrupt cronies, the Leader of the Opposition will attempt to recreate an auxiliary force on the lines of the King’s African Rifles.

BoJo’s Bluffers

Led by the tub of lard known better known as Boris Johnson, a man noted for his deception and betrayals, this undercover unit of double agents will try to cause havoc in the event of the arrival of Russian paratroopers by removing road signs and persuading them to believe that Luton and Slough are strategic assets. Johnson will direct operations from a secret operations room (Bunter’s Bunker) in the Caribbean.

RVS (Reeves’s Voluntary Service)

Having written on her CV that she was a decorated nurse from her duty during the Crimean and Boer Wars, Rachel Reeves has felt obliged to organise women (real and pretend) to ‘do their bit’. Tasks envisaged include knitting mittens, sending boxes of biscuits to the front line and tidying up after drone strikes. A Gift Tax will be applied to the mittens and biscuits.

Tice’s Terriers

A Dad’s Army will be created to entice Reform voters to join the fray. Tice will be seen to represent the suave Sergeant Wilson to Farage’s blustering Captain Mainwaring and Yusef’s improbable Corporal Jones. ‘They don’t like it up ’em’ will be their motto.

Mahmood’s Mujahideen

Should the Russian invaders dare to venture into West Yorkshire, the Home Secretary will be ready with her guerilla army to defend Bradford and surrounding areas. It is possible that the forebears of her irregulars will have had experience fighting Ivan in the Hindu Kush. Training is believed to have already begun in the Pennines in a valley to the east of Heckmondwike.

OBF (Open Borders Farce)

Conscious objectors will be allowed to join this organisation to help escort migrants across our borders and ensure that they are given all they require to settle down with free everything. The new arrivals will of course be exempt from military service.

Lammy’s Lawyers

As discipline will be a challenge for those tasked with training the new recruits, every unit will have its own Lammy Lawyer. Hurtful barrack-room banter, unless directed at the enemy, will not be tolerated and will result in an appointment with a firing squad.

ED - Teds are the only political party to oppose the war and support direct negotiations with Russia seeling peace based on Russian proposals. Since 2022.